Category: Public Transport

Item Six (added 9 November 2004)
This could go under so many headings that it really was a tough choice...
You bastards who smoke on the bus really give me a pain in my tits. This morning there were two of you and you were incredibly abusive to the man who asked you if you really couldn't wait the few minutes till you got off the bus before you lit up. Then one of you filthy scrotes started to blow your cigarette smoke over me. When I asked you to please not, I suppose I should give you the credit that's due because you stopped (blowing smoke over me, not smoking). But then you both proceeded to have a loud conversation about how the abused man and I would never last on the #38 bus if we were so offended by a little bit of smoking.
This begged the question, Why didn't you just take the damn #38 this morning then, you morons? Then you'd have been able to share some needles to shoot up your early morning heroin, died of an overdose and everyone would have been happy...

Item Five (added 15 October 2004)
It was on my list, but I'm very glad to see that it's not just me who finds this unbearable. People, turn your walkman down. I don't need to hear your music. I don't want to hear your music. Mostly, I hate your music. If I'm listening to my walkman, I don't want to still be able to hear yours. Ditto, for when I'm sitting three rows behind you on the other side of the bus. Ditto, forever. Ditto, for all circumstances. I am hormonally unbalanced enough to break one day and make you eat it. I believe that battery acid is very bad for you

Item Four (added 14 October)
Having worked out an approximate arrival/departure schedule for your bus, it is very useful if the driver has an approximate idea of the route he (because it normally is a he) is supposed to take. As you can see, this is a problem that specifically affects people who take the bus, rather than train or tram commuters. That is because trains and trams travel along tracks, which do not usually encourage independent directional decisions from the driver. While this may not be very empowering, at least you know you'll be taken where you're supposed to go

Item Three (added 14 October)
You might think that having lived in Ireland my whole life, I would be accustomed to the rather spurious correlation between timetables and the actual arrival/departure time of the [insert chosen mode of public transport here]. You would be wrong. Though there has been some headway made in this regard recently, there is still vast room for improvement. While I find it irritating enough when the [mode of transport] is late, it really pisses me off when the bloody thing is early. Grrr

Item Two (added 13 October 2004)
The selfish bitch that I sat beside on the bus this morning. I hope that her bag was comfortable on its own seat. What the hell was she carrying in there? Live organs for transplant???

Item One (added 11 October 2004)
People who prop their knees up on the back of the seat in front of them. It really hurts the person in front's back

Category: Advertisements

I'm not down on advertisements per se, but there are certain ones that I really don't like:

Item One (added 19 October 2004)
Harvey-bloody-Norman.
Have you heard the latest ad? Listen to this crap. What I would like to know is, what alternative does this Antipodean addle-pate suggest to "electrical computers"? I tried (though not very hard) to find the Harvey Norman website, but a google search for "Harvey Norman Superstore" (pages from Ireland) gave me this beautiful rant instead

Category: Being Pregnant

Item Eight (added 19 October 2004)
Growing pains. I've been assured that they're normal, but owwwieee. Also, I'm not sure if this is paranoia or true, but it strikes me that my stomach gets huger (and I do mean "huger", my rant against poor use of English notwithstanding) after every bout of growing pains

Item Seven (added 15 October 2004)
Being hormonally unbalanced. I have a short fuse at the best of times. Now, I'm like 2000AD's Mean Machine. I go straight to 4. Even if you don't know 2000AD or Mean Machine or exactly what "straight to 4" means, I reckon you can probably make an educated guess

Item Six (added 15 October 2004)
Being asked if I am (or worse, told that I must be) having twins.

Item Five (added 15 October 2004)
Advice from other people. Everyone's an expert. I've been told to get used to this. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but other times, I'm just not in the mood. And no, thanks, I don't want to watch the home video your husband made of you giving birth to your children. No, really, I don't

Item Four (added 14 October 2004)
No substance abuse

Item Three (added 14 October 2004)
No smoking

Item Two (added 14 October 2004)
No coffee

Item One (added 14 October 2004)
No booze

Category: Stuff I Have No Control Over

(The sub-text here is that I am being overwhelmed by frustration at a situation for which is no single cause. I get overcome by a pointless and impotent rage as there is really nothing on which I can vent my spleen. This means that any minor irritant has the potential to catalyse an utterly irrational and disproportionate reaction. Beware!)

Item One (added 19 October 2004)
Traffic.
A concrete example: this morning, it took 15 minutes for the bus to cross a junction that would have taken 2 minutes to cross on foot - even if I had waited for the little green man. This was not the fault of the bus driver, nor even any of the other drivers at that junction. Nor was it purely because it was raining and in the middle of rush hour. There were too many factors converging at once to be able to get suitably and appropriately annoyed at any single one of them. And that pisses me off

Category: Bad Habits

(Needless to say, I don't do any of the things listed below!)

Item Six (added 18 October 2004)
Mainly women guilty of this as far as my observations go - failure to lift one's feet properly when walking and so being followed by an incredibly irritating shuffle noise.
How does it not drive you mental? It makes me crazy, and you're just walking past me. It must be murder on the heels and soles of your shoes. If this is happening because you're wearing very loose slip-ons, flip-flops or sandals, then you're either committing an unforgivable fashion faux pas, you think you're on a beach, or you just can't walk properly, you moron. Whatever else, it certainly does not give you the air of disaffected cool that you are striving for

Item Five (added 15 October 2004)
Bad table manners. This comes under two sub-headings:

5.1: Talking with your mouth full
To para-phrase a famous adage, "If you had any respect for anyone within spitting distance, you'd swallow that". Semi-masticated food is not attractive; nor are your teeth, gums or tounge while you eat. Swallow, then speak

5.2: Use your knife and fork properly
This is a really pedantic thing, I know; but it drives me batty to see people holding their cutlery in their balled-up fists. Knives and forks were invented a long time ago and used by the aristocracy to distinguish themselves from commoners, peasants and animals. These class distinctions are largely ignored by our society these days and pretty much anyone with opposable thumbs is expected to use a knife and fork. Please don't get them mixed up with shovels and other garden implements. They are delicate instruments and should be used as such. Otherwise, we'd all be much happier if you'd just go back to bending your head to the trough and ripping your food apart with your hands

Item Four (added 15 October 2004)
Littering. Oh God, is there no end to the filth you people want to make me deal with? I get especially irritated with people who don't correct their children for dropping their rubbish on the street - you will have your turn against the wall when I am in charge... You and your heathen spawn

Item Three (added 15 October 2004)
Spitting in the street. This is a bit of a double whammy as a good proper street-spit is invariably preceeded by a loud hawking noise. See Item One above for my views on this

Item Two (added 15 October 2004)
Coughing or sneezing without covering your mouth. Uuggghhhhh. I would never have had unprotected sex with a complete stranger (or any sex with a complete stranger), so what makes you think that I would like you to share any of your bodily fluids with me?

Item One (added 15 October 2004)
Loud Snuffling. Please use a tissue and blow your nose. I particularly despise those great big hawking snuffles that are invariably followed by a swallowing noise (often with some chewing in between). I can feel my stomach turning over just thinking about it

Category: What Other People Think is Cool

Item Three (added 18 October 2004)
Being constantly bombarded with ads to "tag your mobile", "get the latest tunes, straight to your mobile", "be the first with the funniest jokes" and the like drive me crazy. Whether you see your mobile as a fashion accessory (and I'm really not judging here) or not, these ads probably have the same effect on you. Let's organise a rally, find the 57777 server and jump heavily on their toon-selectas and their advertising executives' heads. Who's with me?

Item Two (added 18 October 2004)
Controversially (?), I believe that mobile phones are communication devices, not fashion accessories. A lot of people will disagree with me on this point and I really don't mind

Item One (added 14 October 2004)
Mod-ed cars. UV lights, tinted windows, massive woofers, go-faster stripes, flames... Have I left anything out? Oh yes, your gold sovereign jewellery, your white-trash girlfriend, your heroin habit - and you've just spent over €20,000 making a €10,000 car look "cool". Or just as stupid as you do when you're driving it

Category: Work-Related

Item One (added 15 October 2004)
Bureaucracy. It's a pain in the arse. But often these incredibly convoluted and intricate mechanisms have evolved for a reason. So even if you are sick of the bureaucracy, please don't try to by-pass it; especially if I'm involved in the loop. You are only making things more complicated. So stop it

Category: Poor Spelling, Punctuation & Grammar

Strictly, this is a thing on its own. I feel, however, that there is such a casual attitude to the proper use of the English language that notable examples should be listed as items in their own right. For an antidote to what you are about to see, please read "Eats, Shoots & Leaves", by a pedant after my own heart (or Lynne Truss as I think she might prefer to be known).

Item Two (added 15 October 2004)
Justin's is a vegetable shop on Main Street, Blanchardstown. At the moment, they have a big sign outside advertising that you'll get a 6kg bag of potatoes (or something, I can't remember off-hand) free when you spend over €10 on "VEGITABLES". I swear! I will get photographic evidence of this to prove that I am not lying

Item One (added 15 October 2004)
I tell you no word of a lie that I actually saw this sign every time I set foot out of my apartment for two and a half years before I realised why the hallway made me so uncomfortable. Now that I've figured it out, I can't step outside without wincing. Brace yourselves for this. It's a good one to start with:

Category: Other People's Driving

Item Two (added 14 October 2004)
People who don't indicate which way they're going on roundabouts

Item One (added 12 October 2004)
People who suddenly pull out really fast and dangerously in front of you, and then drive really slowly

Welcome to the Insomniac Shit List

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the Insomniac's Shit List, a tiny little off-shoot of the Insomniac Tirade empire.

I intend to keep my mealy-mouthed bitching on Tirade to a minimum from now on, using instead the dedicated resource of Shit List to mouth off about the little things that really piss me off.

I think I will organise it on a categorised basis but I'm not entirely certain how this will work in practice. I'm sure it'll evolve over the next couple of days and weeks.

I expect lots of comments to add some colour, depth and perhaps even some perspective to the Shit List. Who knows? I might even open this up and let other people post their pet-hates too. As the most gifted musical duo ever to get a record deal outside of Holland once said, "There's no limits" [sic].

Happy grouching!